Painful realities

I came to Thailand with the idea to travel and teach. Hoping that teaching would be my passion and I get to travel doing the job I love. Along the way I fell in love with an amazing man. He built a lot of character in me and we are making good memories together. But somewhere in between I realized that teaching is not my calling. After being forced to observe one of my work colleagues and being told by my boss that I should learn from her and learn to make my voice stronger (obviously because the discipline in my class is just not there).

Having to go to work became a dreadful thought I even took a fake sick day because I couldn’t bare it. Why was I pressuring myself into teaching when that is not what I wanted to do? There are millions of opportunities out there. I can go sailing, work in a hotel go, into tourism or be a dive instructor. And this is travelling while you work.

No more screaming at kids who could not pay attention because they only have an attention span of 2 min. The thought was pleasing and exciting. But what about my boyfriend? I wanted to meet someone out here with whom I could travel together. But our journey may end after this. The thought of leaving him and going my own way as he sets out on his own course, devastates me. I have never been as close to any other man. We spent a lot of time together and I like being around him. How will I face this world without him? How can I bear travelling alone from here on and not miss him when I smell cigarettes. Go to sleep at night wondering what he is up to. Reading a book and not wish he was beside me, reading his. Not being able to stare at him when he sleeps or caress his afro hair when we are both drunk and kissing each other not worried about who is looking. How can I endure this relationship and make more memories with him knowing it’s all going to end. How can I not be in pain at the thought of losing him...