The truth

 A revolution in consciousness. That is what we need. To think for ourselves and question our belief systems. If they are the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, then we have nothing to fear because the truth is steadfast and should be able to stand up against any argument. The truth should be able to explain itself.

The following link is an interesting explanation/conspiracy theory of where religion comes from. Watch it with an open mind. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZgT1SRcrKE

A few years ago I went to Thailand believing God sent me there to convert and save the lost... but instead I got saved. I started questioning the way of Christianity. One day in my little bungalow up on a mountain, all alone, I cried out to God. "Lord there has got to be more to you than what Christians portray. I want to know you more and in an even deeper way. It feels like I am limiting you by placing you in a Jesus box. I can't believe that you make people so different and expect them to worship you in the same way. There has got to be more and I can't keep looking through these 'christian lenses'.

This was a huge step for me. To basically ask God if it's okay that I don't go the Christian way anymore. It's like someone just pulled my whole foundation of what I stood on and left me completely with nothing to stand on. Having to start all over again. What am I now? What do I believe in? All these years of being so certain that Jesus is the only way to the Father and now it all seems like lies to me...

Memories -LAOS

I’m back in SA after 20 months of living and traveling abroad. It’s lots of fun going and working in another country. Making lovely friends and learning loads about oneself. I worked in Thailand for 18 months. Being thrown into a kindergarten class full of Thai students was daunting. After surviving that I knew I am capable of doing anything. Well I thought so. I met a lovely, cleaver American man who also taught English there. We shared 10 sweet months together. But time ran out and we parted ways in opposite directions. That’s the sad part of travelling, the saying goodbye, one of the hardest things I had to do. But as a friend of mine said: “It’s not goodbye, it’s see you later”. And this prepared me and made me stronger to be able to say goodbye to many more fellow travelers. Here are some snippets.

29 April 2011 LAOS

I woke up this morning with a stiff neck. Is it because I slept wrong? No ways. It’s from all the head banging down by the river. What a glorious experience: tubing in Laos. As noon sets in we prepare ourselves. Bikinis’ tubing shirt and shorts and off we go. Taking a ‘tuk-tuk’, he drops us at the top of the river and the first of many free shots are offered. This place is something from another world. Hundreds of foreigners getting drunk on shots and buckets, floating down the river going from bar to bar and sliding down slides, in their drunken state. Vang Viang is the place to be. Some people get offered jobs and stay here for months getting to be drunk all day and give out shots.

At first you’re not sure what to make of this but you soon discover the table where you can pour free whiskey shots and help yourself to some. At the corner of my eye I see a bleach blond dude, short black tight shorts, shirt-les dancing around like a stripper in a night club. But it is 2pm and I am way to sober for this. A few sips from a bucket and my friends encourage me to go dance with him. I walk straight over and pull out my moves but all he wants to do is grind me. He gets to close and I back away still dancing and realizing the people around find it quite entertaining. When it gets too much for me I leave the dance floor and others join in after.

We regroup, get into the river and float down to the next bar. I think back on my life in Phuket and the man I shared it with whom I had to part ways. I recall our memories and know how much he would love to be in this place with me. The only way to hide my tears is to through myself in the river and put my shades on. Trying not to think of him brings more tears to my eyes. How I miss his brought shoulders and afro hair. His brought smile and chillness. We shared an amazing 10 months together and had to part ways because he had some unfinished business in Saudi Arabia and I wanted to become a backpacker. The tears flow as I sit in the bar overlooking the river and watching people drop down from swings, plummeting into the water. The music reaches me as I come back to reality and know that I am gonna have a good time on this river and not be stuck in the past.

Bar 3 is where the party is at. Somewhere between the first and third bar 4 hours have passed by and it is time to shake, shake, shake our bodies. Life is good and all our friends we picked up on the journey from Thailand to Laos are still together. Soon my sadness washes away and I am grateful for all I have and being able to take this journey here to be with these stunning people. I love each one of them and each brings an important vibe to the group. Wauter a Dutch, 18 year old boy with fluffy blond hair and blue eyes, skinny and tall, is very bombastic and honest. We’ve had some Dutch/Afrikaans conversations. He is good to have around if you want to smoke some weed. Scott is from America, 33 years old just started out his 1 year travel plan. He is the most fun loving person I have meat. Big beard, bold head, short and stout. He looks like he could have been one of the dwarfs from Snow White, the one called Happy. His chuckle is contagious it comes from deep inside and bursts forth like a fountain.

And this was just the beginning…

Breath

Sitting in silence feeling my heart beat as the seconds pass. Who is this person I have become. What does she believe in now? There used to be so many walls built around. A safe area I created for myself, away from the “world” and its sinfulness. Now I am in the centre of it all. People I judged have become my best friends. Souls I thought surely would go to hell turned out to be angels. I stare at this book of rules and only feel emptiness. At the same time there is emptiness inside myself. Trying to re-evaluate the situation but only silence await.

Thousands of people died in the earthquake and tsunami this week in Japan. Those “lucky” to have survived are stranded as all their possessions have been taken by the ocean. Now they sit and wait as nuclear plants have been damage and possibly send radiation into the air that will kill thousands… even millions, if a solutions isn’t found soon. My heart beats, I take a breath, another breath and weep at how insignificant an fragile the human body is. How dependent we are on the air we breathe.

My addiction

It’s hard work keeping this addiction going.

Long hours of lazing about on a hammock accompanied by it.
Sleep deprivation, snuggling up underneath the blankets with my favourite companion.
Waking up on a Saturday morning and grabbing it before even thinking of breakfast.
Nothing to do at work, reaching for my companion to fill the time.
Chilling on the beach, waves crashing and of course…
One is not enough anymore, two, three maybe four will do but it never ends
It is impossible to walk by it without taking a look, buying more, trading used ones in for other used ones.
Maybe the next one will be a better high.
They suck you into their world
The real world doesn’t seem real anymore and you can’t distinguish dream from reality anymore.
You become part of their world and become friends with them.
Big ones, fat ones, small ones, skinny ones

What is my addiction?

Books I have read since I have been out here
The shack
Harry Potter - Goblet of fire
Harry Potter - Philosopher’s stone
The Book thief
Harry Potter - Order of the phoenix
Eat, pray, love
Harry Potter - Deathly hollows
Thousand splendid suns
Narnia- the magician’s nephew

A piece of paradise

Cherry lips sooth me with your kisses.
Wrap me tight like sticky mango rice in a banana leaf.
How clever you are reading your books.
But you don’t understand how I long for you to read me

To be able to understand my heartaches and why I weep.
That you would know the pain I have for indigent people.
As I realize I too am indigent.
Needing your comfort, your friendship, your conversation.

For you to lie next to me, listening to the sounds of the night.
Inhaling the fresh air and the rain tap tapping on my roof.

I cannot compare anymore.
I long for the peace and quietness of nature.
You want to be entertained.
I long to chat for hours about religion, god, meditation, purpose...
Philosophising about life, the good parts and bad.

You don’t understand me.
You try do comfort with logic.
But all I need is to be understood, to have something to live for.
To live a life with meaning.

Thank you for trying babe.
Trying to comfort me when I’m sad and feel like I’m going insane.
For reasoning with me and trying to understand.

I used to have a heart that aches for the poor in spirit and heart.
Those who are physically and emotionally drained.
I wanted to help make the world a better place.
Plant seeds that will grow into big trees where people can rest in their shade.
I wanted to give to others cause Jesus gave his life for me.

But now there is no more Jesus and I don’t have a reason anymore.
Except for the burning in my heart.
The longing to give a little piece of my paradise.
It seems so selfish to keep it all for myself.

Painful realities

I came to Thailand with the idea to travel and teach. Hoping that teaching would be my passion and I get to travel doing the job I love. Along the way I fell in love with an amazing man. He built a lot of character in me and we are making good memories together. But somewhere in between I realized that teaching is not my calling. After being forced to observe one of my work colleagues and being told by my boss that I should learn from her and learn to make my voice stronger (obviously because the discipline in my class is just not there).

Having to go to work became a dreadful thought I even took a fake sick day because I couldn’t bare it. Why was I pressuring myself into teaching when that is not what I wanted to do? There are millions of opportunities out there. I can go sailing, work in a hotel go, into tourism or be a dive instructor. And this is travelling while you work.

No more screaming at kids who could not pay attention because they only have an attention span of 2 min. The thought was pleasing and exciting. But what about my boyfriend? I wanted to meet someone out here with whom I could travel together. But our journey may end after this. The thought of leaving him and going my own way as he sets out on his own course, devastates me. I have never been as close to any other man. We spent a lot of time together and I like being around him. How will I face this world without him? How can I bear travelling alone from here on and not miss him when I smell cigarettes. Go to sleep at night wondering what he is up to. Reading a book and not wish he was beside me, reading his. Not being able to stare at him when he sleeps or caress his afro hair when we are both drunk and kissing each other not worried about who is looking. How can I endure this relationship and make more memories with him knowing it’s all going to end. How can I not be in pain at the thought of losing him...

Wondering Beauty

Am I dreaming or is this for real? Being surrounded by this beauty with amazing people. Having lived in Phuket for over a year now, I forget that I am surrounded by famous islands, amazing views and beautiful beaches. A trip to Pang-nga bay was a good reminder for us all of how privileged we are. Random pharangs, nomads, wondering souls in an unknown country finding comfort and companionship in one another. Some of us trying to find out what the meaning of live is. Others just enjoying the journey.

One can’t help to stop and think: “Who, what or how did all this breathtaking beauty come to be...”