Who am I? Where do I begin.

Born in August 1985 makes me a Leo star sign which means apparently I am... 

"Leos are said to be loyal, confident, and hard-working, and are often natural leaders. They are also known for being passionate, dramatic, and enjoying being the center of attention. 

That sounds really great. To be a natural leader, passionate and hard working. I wish I was, it sounds amazing. I don't naturally gravitate towards the light, I tend to hide away. Scared to give my opinion, but times when I was in the lime light I loved it. I remember my days doing toastmaster speeches, participating in competitions. I loved it. The little bit of a leadership position I had in China was wonderful, I enjoy having people come to me for help. I love being in an assisting role. I want to be a leader that walks next to my employees not in front of them. We are a team, we work together. I love having a supportive role.

Sometimes I wonder if going back into teaching is what I want to do. My biggest concern is the christianization of all the schools. Second is the limited salary, third is the stress. Now I am back to the drawing board. Still trying to re-invent myself. It would have been easy if Corne could go back to the fresh produce market. Work for a stable salary, I would get a job at a school. Get a salary. But things are just not working out that way. 

In the meanwhile I also fell pregnant. 11 weeks already with a due date end of July, I can't see how I am going to get a job now. To be honest, I don't want a job. I want to be driven enough to do my own thing. Either in a supportive role to help Corne start something. Or just do something I am passionate about. But what am I passionate about?

Potty Training

I was so excited to start potty training. Wanted to start my son on the potty when he turned 15 months, but that was a bit early and my mom said it's easier when it is summer. Since he turned 2 in winter I decided to chill out and wait a bit. Luckily we took him out of kindergarten. November 1st was the day he officially started "home school"  what better time to start him off right away. From the research I have done they say you can potty train in 3 days, if  you take him to the toilet every 15-20 min. Easy peasy...

After a view times taking him to the toilet and him peeing in his pant every time I almost wanted to give up. I had some doubts that I am starting him off to soon but he is 2 years and 3 months. His nappy started bothering him a lot, he tells me when he pees and was okay to go sit on the toilet when I asked him to. So I decided to push through. My husband is an absolute star, he continued the next day. Sunday we were at home, it was cold and rainy so we stayed home and took him to the toilet frequently. It took about 3 weeks for him to be fully potty trained without any poo whoopsies but a month in he was doing pretty well. When I asked him if he needs to pee he would tell me "I will tell you if I need to pee". 

All went well 2 months in and we started packing to move back to Pretoria, so he started having pees whoopsies, luckily just pee. He would say, Eckan pee-pee and then just started to pee. Back in Pretoria he also had a few pee whoopsies, strange only when he is at home. Never when we were out and about. Even the whole 2 days of traveling from George to Pretoria he would ask if he needed to pee and sometimes we had to stop on the side of the road so he can wee. I'm so proud of him, he is doing great he is even off of the night nappy but some evenings he drinks to much water then I just put a nappy on. 

What is my title

 We walk around life wanting to be tagged. Husband, wife, fiancé, mother, father, teacher, leader, CEO... This can cause a huge crisis when the name tag gets lost. Either transitioning from one job to the next or quitting the one to take up another or when taking on to many name tags. 

I've had a few tags. I really loved my title "teacher in China" the salary that came with the title wasn't bad either. Then we came back to South Africa and suddenly I didn't have any title. I was in a Ice age, didn't feel like doing much and with my baby on the way I was waiting for the "mother" tag. When the tag came I was not impressed. Sleepless nights, baby wanting my attention 24/7. I just couldn't enjoy it as much as I thought I would. But soon things changed and we put him in kindergarten so I could have a job title again. Still unmotivated to work, we opened a shop with friends and I got to get a "shop assistant" title but it was more like a co-shop owner title. Which was good for my ego but not our pockets. We didn't make much here for all the hours we put in and it can get pretty boring in here (I'm writing in the shop on a Saturday)

With Corne quitting his extra title as "ice-cream delivery guy", I am free from my shop keeping tag and can now be the "stay at home mom" tag again. Here are some of the activities I have done so far.

First day of "home school"

We woke up to a lovely day. The sun was out the wind was not, perfect day for a walk on the beach. We drove out to le Grand to say hi to friends, then headed down to the Gwaing beach at low tide. The views there are just spectacular. I took a moment to just take in the beauty and remembered again why we wanted to live down here. Especially coming from China the "concrete jungle" to this nature spot, we just fell in love with it. 

After building some sand castles and eating a muffin, it was time to head back so this little one could have his afternoon nap. 

As we stay in a complex of 13 little units all built in a row next to each other, sharing a communal garden, there are no visual boundaries so the kids just mix. Which is something that is nice at times but not so nice when you don't feel like having so many kids in and around you all weekend. This Friday was fun, the kids were riding their scooters up and down. Eckan is still practicing with his. Then all the kids ended up at the neighbor's house, she has 3 kids so 3 more doesn't feel like a big difference to her and she has lost of stuff the kids can play with. Just like that the day was finished. 

Time with our little one

 I am very excited to have my baby back with me at home full-time. When he turned one we decided we would put him in kindergarten. Looking back now I wish I could have taken him out sooner and put him in a better place. I would have loved to have him with a teacher who is enthusiastic and excited about her job, but it just seems like she does not want to be there and she is very strict with those little ones, don't think she has the patience for them. But it is what it is. I'm just happy that I can have the time with him now. Really looking forward to all the fun we are going to have. I have a few exciting activities planned.

Luckily we can wake up when we are awake. I am however hoping to get back into my 5am gym slot. With Eckan not sleeping through again, I'm just sleeping in. Being cuddled up next to him and listening to the pouring rain is not helping either. He was sick yesterday and today so I scored an extra two days with him. Tomorrow and Thursday will be his last days in this kindergarten. 

Today we slept in till 7am. Had porridge while Eckan and his dad were busy building our house. The last week he has been obsessed with just building with these blocks

My dad made loads and loads of these blocks way back when we were kids. He tried to sell it at markets but didn't make enough to cover the cost of the market fee end petrol so decided not to quit his day job and just let us play with it. My son loves it. When he wakes up in the mornings he wants to build, in the evenings we struggle to get him to bed because he just wants to build more and more. 

Just after 9am today we went to the library to get new books. Eckan loves it when we read to him. He is very engaged in the story and always wants a bedtime story. Now with him at home I can read two books to him before afternoon nap time also. so happy about that. 

After library time I made us something to eat. Eckan just wanted a sandwich with butter and Apricot jam. By then it was already 11h30. Just to make sure he is tired enough to go for his nap we did a few exercises. Crawling under chair, hops, skips and jump and he was ready to go read a story with mom, after making sure all the soft toys are also sleeping with him in bed of course. What a privilege to be able to have so much time to spend with our little one.

 

Mad Hatters tea party

Eckan's school had a mad hatters tea party where we could show off our creative skills and make a mad hat. Of course, the first step what to go on pinterest to get some ideas but having realized that my creative skills still needs work I had to go to youtub for a tutorial and found this 

DIY EPIC Mad Hatter Maddie Ryles

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=63YTIyz0eDs&t=71s

I have a box full of odd material, buttons, wool, arts and crafty things that I keep and of course a clue gun. Especially now that Eckan will be with me full time I need lost of other random play things to keep hom interested. 

At first I made a top hat, having watched the video the previous night thinking I remembered what to do, but realized (after clueing the material to the hat) it's supposed to be a upside down top hat. Usually I would just leave it but because I am reading "the 5am club" I decided I'm going to put all my effort into this hat and make the greatest hat I have ever made, and be proud of my creation. So I ripped the material off, and started again. 

It's so easy to skim, and not put all our efforts into something. We have become so worn down, tired and just going through the motions not having time to put effort and work into something. But the rewards are incredible when putting our best out there.

 

Just Breathe

 "Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror. No feeling is final." 

There is this sense of disease that I have been carrying the last few days. Todays meditation was a good reminder to work through my feelings. So often we just carry on when we need to take time out to stop and observe. I have found great wisdom in listening to Tamara Levitt on Calm (app). She explained a breathing exercise where you take deep breath (count 4), hold (1,2,3,4) breath out (count 4). 

I don't know why but for some reason breathing has a calming effect on the human body. We have access to this every day, anywhere, anytime. Just breathe. I feel better already. Now I can identify the things that is pressing on me and slowly let go of it. 

It's so important to check in on ourselves, especially if we have little ones. They learn from us and take notice. They want that presence that is so important for connection. We are so often, constantly on our devices that we miss out on them. They are the experts at being in the moment, we can learn so much from them. I often watch how my son, (now two years old) interacts with the world. He is just in the moment. If we tell him about an event that is happening in the future he gets quite upset because he wants it to happen now. He does not understand what the future is. He just knows what is now, and yesterday he also grasps, he understands things that have passed, but tomorrow... what is that?

An eye opening

A little bit of background about ME. Where do I begin... Having been a Christian for most of my life, remembering times when I was "chatting' with Jesus, my best friend while I was at school. I had such a close relationship with him that I decided to do a service year at Hatfield Christian school for a year. Which I enjoyed so much that I studied BA theology through them the following year. During my first 2 years we had class 5 days a week and Sunday service that we were encouraged(guilt tripped) into having to attend the pre-service prayer, worship and preaching that lasted 2 ours each. It was a charismatic church so they went big on the holy spirit. Speaking in tongues, falling in the spirit, prophecies... you name it we had it. 

I had amazing lecturers, very devoted and well prepared for the class. One phrase that really stuck with me when we learned about other cultures and beliefs was : "Always try first to understand before wanting to be understood." I took this phrase to heart, when I met with people from different backgrounds I tried to hear their story first, before giving them the low down on Christs salvation for them. I still think this might have been my "downfall" and why I became open minded about religion in general.

I had a beautiful relationship with my Muslim neighbor from Cameroon. Since both our religions claim they are the superior religion, we came to a mutual agreement that either I'm right and he is wrong or he is right and I stand to be corrected. My class mates did not have the same attitude towards other religions, they laughed at them. One day we watched a documentary about Hindus and what extremes they go through in India, one guy sat on a pole for days on end, and they thought it was the biggest joke ever. This stirred something in my heart. It actually broke, I started doubting. How can we as Christians be the only religion that leads to some sort of heaven after death but we look down on other religions in our arrogance.

Then I started working at a NG church, while continuing with my studies, part time. All was good until I started going through a quarter life crisis. My pastor didn't know what to do with me, I was boarder line depressed. I wasn't sure if I wanted to be a pastor any more, I didn't want to work with a bunch of Christians. Then I got involved with a guy 16 years older than me. He looked like Richard Gear, tall, thick grey hair. I thought he was so sexy but when we went out together people thought it was my dad... huge romance killer. 

Through the grace of god I finished my degree and met with a good friend who understood my messiness and asked me one question. If I put a map in front of you, where would you want to go. If you could travel anywhere, where would you go? Eventually I decided on Thailand, Phuket. Booked myself a TEFL course and a plain ticket and with the help of my BA degree I was able to land myself a job, teaching English to a class of 30, five-year old's. Who didn't understand a word of English. Not an easy job for me with zero teaching experience. But I made it through, I was independent. First time I had to stand on my own two feet, saved up for a scooter and bought it cash. Met people from all over the world, stayed in a bungalow on a hill in the forest. Beautiful paradise beaches at my fingertips, life was good. I had a few flings... Thai, Spanish-Indian, and ended up dating a guy from America for 10 months. He was a proclaimed atheist, when I asked him weather it is not a scary thought that he does not believe in a God who created all of this his answer was, "I think its quite intriguing that all of this came to arise out of nothing and there is not conclusive answer for how it came to be. That to me is amazing."

 

This was a huge eye opening for me. As a Christian I heavily judged Atheists, thinking they are evil, not believing in a God and here is an Atheist in wonder about the earth, gazing at the stars and just in awe about how it all came to be. During my time in Thailand I met stunning people, my best friend was a Thai, gay Buddhist. He was working at the school reception and helped me through my transition into teaching and being in a foreign country. He went shopping with me, we had lunch together every day. We went out drinking and believe me he could drive a scooter straight even when he was so drunk that he forgot his English and started speaking in Thai to me. 

I really started doubting this Christian club that I was apart of. Having had these really wonderful experiences with non-Christians and a very bad experience with some people at a Church I went to. I had what I would call "a dark night of the soul"