Just Breathe

 "Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror. No feeling is final." 

There is this sense of disease that I have been carrying the last few days. Todays meditation was a good reminder to work through my feelings. So often we just carry on when we need to take time out to stop and observe. I have found great wisdom in listening to Tamara Levitt on Calm (app). She explained a breathing exercise where you take deep breath (count 4), hold (1,2,3,4) breath out (count 4). 

I don't know why but for some reason breathing has a calming effect on the human body. We have access to this every day, anywhere, anytime. Just breathe. I feel better already. Now I can identify the things that is pressing on me and slowly let go of it. 

It's so important to check in on ourselves, especially if we have little ones. They learn from us and take notice. They want that presence that is so important for connection. We are so often, constantly on our devices that we miss out on them. They are the experts at being in the moment, we can learn so much from them. I often watch how my son, (now two years old) interacts with the world. He is just in the moment. If we tell him about an event that is happening in the future he gets quite upset because he wants it to happen now. He does not understand what the future is. He just knows what is now, and yesterday he also grasps, he understands things that have passed, but tomorrow... what is that?

An eye opening

A little bit of background about ME. Where do I begin... Having been a Christian for most of my life, remembering times when I was "chatting' with Jesus, my best friend while I was at school. I had such a close relationship with him that I decided to do a service year at Hatfield Christian school for a year. Which I enjoyed so much that I studied BA theology through them the following year. During my first 2 years we had class 5 days a week and Sunday service that we were encouraged(guilt tripped) into having to attend the pre-service prayer, worship and preaching that lasted 2 ours each. It was a charismatic church so they went big on the holy spirit. Speaking in tongues, falling in the spirit, prophecies... you name it we had it. 

I had amazing lecturers, very devoted and well prepared for the class. One phrase that really stuck with me when we learned about other cultures and beliefs was : "Always try first to understand before wanting to be understood." I took this phrase to heart, when I met with people from different backgrounds I tried to hear their story first, before giving them the low down on Christs salvation for them. I still think this might have been my "downfall" and why I became open minded about religion in general.

I had a beautiful relationship with my Muslim neighbor from Cameroon. Since both our religions claim they are the superior religion, we came to a mutual agreement that either I'm right and he is wrong or he is right and I stand to be corrected. My class mates did not have the same attitude towards other religions, they laughed at them. One day we watched a documentary about Hindus and what extremes they go through in India, one guy sat on a pole for days on end, and they thought it was the biggest joke ever. This stirred something in my heart. It actually broke, I started doubting. How can we as Christians be the only religion that leads to some sort of heaven after death but we look down on other religions in our arrogance.

Then I started working at a NG church, while continuing with my studies, part time. All was good until I started going through a quarter life crisis. My pastor didn't know what to do with me, I was boarder line depressed. I wasn't sure if I wanted to be a pastor any more, I didn't want to work with a bunch of Christians. Then I got involved with a guy 16 years older than me. He looked like Richard Gear, tall, thick grey hair. I thought he was so sexy but when we went out together people thought it was my dad... huge romance killer. 

Through the grace of god I finished my degree and met with a good friend who understood my messiness and asked me one question. If I put a map in front of you, where would you want to go. If you could travel anywhere, where would you go? Eventually I decided on Thailand, Phuket. Booked myself a TEFL course and a plain ticket and with the help of my BA degree I was able to land myself a job, teaching English to a class of 30, five-year old's. Who didn't understand a word of English. Not an easy job for me with zero teaching experience. But I made it through, I was independent. First time I had to stand on my own two feet, saved up for a scooter and bought it cash. Met people from all over the world, stayed in a bungalow on a hill in the forest. Beautiful paradise beaches at my fingertips, life was good. I had a few flings... Thai, Spanish-Indian, and ended up dating a guy from America for 10 months. He was a proclaimed atheist, when I asked him weather it is not a scary thought that he does not believe in a God who created all of this his answer was, "I think its quite intriguing that all of this came to arise out of nothing and there is not conclusive answer for how it came to be. That to me is amazing."

 

This was a huge eye opening for me. As a Christian I heavily judged Atheists, thinking they are evil, not believing in a God and here is an Atheist in wonder about the earth, gazing at the stars and just in awe about how it all came to be. During my time in Thailand I met stunning people, my best friend was a Thai, gay Buddhist. He was working at the school reception and helped me through my transition into teaching and being in a foreign country. He went shopping with me, we had lunch together every day. We went out drinking and believe me he could drive a scooter straight even when he was so drunk that he forgot his English and started speaking in Thai to me. 

I really started doubting this Christian club that I was apart of. Having had these really wonderful experiences with non-Christians and a very bad experience with some people at a Church I went to. I had what I would call "a dark night of the soul"

 

How it all started

Currently my 2-year old is at a preschool. Before that he was at home with myself and my husband (as he was working from home) but it was very challenging. At first we stayed in a small flat in town with no garden on the 2nd floor, which was okay when he was a baby but he was very dependent on me which was quite trying for me. I couldn't get much done, my husband was struggling to focus on his work... 

When he turned 6 months we moved to a villa with lots of outdoor space, at this stage he was crawling and he was less frustrated when he started sitting up and moving about. We played in the mud, went for lots and lots of walks in the pram and down to the beach for him to eat a few mouth full of sand. 

Then the terrible 10's left us shocked. He started tantrums at 10 months which was shocking, throwing himself on the floor. It just seemed like he was frustrated. At 11 months he was so happy to take his first steps and start exploring life from a higher eye level. 

When he turned 1 it was time for me to go back in the work force and take my 1-year old to kindergarten. I was happy to have some time on hand to look for job opportunities and thought the move to kindergarten would be good for his social development. All started out good, staff were friendly and giving him loads of attention because he was the youngest in class. We took him to school in September and by December he was home for about 3-4 weeks. Early January he started a new class with kids all his age and they were difficult, crying, struggling to adapt and Eckan also cried what felt like the whole year. 

We were so frustrated, just didn't seem like his teacher was coping, we were stressed because our business wasn't picking up financially, so many things to consider, we had to meet twice with the principal to ask what was going on. They promised things are improving but I just couldn't see it. His teacher didn't seem like she wanted to be there. Eckan wasn't adapting and above all, most days when I came to fetch him they are put in front of a cellphone screen to watch some entertainment so that the teacher has time to catch up on parents messages. 

Being very mindful about screen time and not exposing our little one to it, I was furious. We had a meeting with 3 teachers and the head to discuss this matter, to which they replied they do use it to help the teacher get other things done but they will make a plan to do less screen time. unfortunately we had to make a call, do we give our 2 months notice and then have to move him to another school and have him struggle to adapt there not knowing if they are going to be better, or just stick the year out and hope it gets better, till we can move him the following year. So we decided to stick it out. Not knowing if we made the right decision, still doubting weather it is a good space for him to be in. 

Currently staying in George, having decided to live in the Garden route which is a beautiful part of South Africa to live in but being far away from the grandparent, we started really missing them, after 3 years of staying here we decided to uproot ourselves again and move closer to them. In the process I started feeling more and more that the school does not do enough for Eckan. When I come to fetch him they are just sitting at the table or on the mat, just sitting there... This is 1 or 1 and half ours after they woke up from their nap. They finished eating their snack and are just sitting there. Rarely do I come get him and they are outside playing. 

In this time they also decided to send a video of the teacher showing different animals, playing the sounds and saying the name, those kids looked so bored. She didn't get much reaction from them. This video was the last straw. We decided to take him out a bit earlier, then I will be his kindergarten teacher as I have just been helping out in the shop, my husband can be in the shop and quit his 2 day- job and spend more time online getting more business from there. As we are moving back to Pretoria he was going to have to quit that job anyways. 

Now I'm doing my preparation, working out a schedule, pinterest-ing loads of ideas and activities, collecting recycled goods and buying random stuff. So excited to get back into teaching.